2017 Updates

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Well, it’s been a while!

I posted on Instagram and Snapchat, but not here on my blog yet, so…we’re expecting again! I am 16 weeks and due with a little girl in December! We’re really excited and want to thank everyone for all your messages, they meant a lot and Monday felt like a great big hug.

The pregnancy partially explains my major blog absence, but not entirely. This year has been truly crazy, full of ups and downs, and now that I am ready to get back to blogging, teaching pilates, and just living my general life again I want to update you guys on what’s been up over here.

The year started out with some excitement – we decided to start trying for baby #2 and were thrilled to get a positive pregnancy test. We were over the moon excited and started making big plans – was it time to buy a house? Should the kids share a room? We even got started on names and making guesses on whether baby was a boy or girl. We were on a high …and then a few weeks later I started bleeding. After an emergency room trip and two trips to my OB over the course of a week the doctors were able to find baby’s heartbeat, my hormone levels looked good, and the doctors tried to assure me there were many causes for bleeding  that could be benign and that I should try to relax. My OB just kept saying “this is a viable pregnancy, just try to enjoy it.” But truthfully in my heart I knew the pregnancy wasn’t going to stick, no matter how many times the doctors reassured me. I could just feel it in my heart that this wasn’t normal. I laid in bed for days, in limbo, not knowing what would come next. When the bleeding didn’t stop a few days later I demanded to be seen again, and sure enough, we’d lost our baby. The ultrasound showed nothing…no heartbeat, no baby at all, everything we had seen and heard just days before was gone. The days and weeks that followed were extremely painful.

In my logical brain I knew (and know) that miscarriage is common, I knew logically it wasn’t my fault, I knew it had no bearing on my ability to have children, but it still hurt like hell. I went over everything I’d done those days before – exercising, lifting, what had I eaten?…knowing none of it had caused this but still feeling completely and utterly terrible. It felt like emotional whiplash to go from planning out my baby’s room and name and hearing a heartbeat to just…nothing. I felt numb and confused and mad. I was so so so mad. I also felt guilty for indulging my sadness, like maybe my pain was silly since miscarriage is so common? Why should I let my whole world come to a screeching halt when so many women go through this? But I just couldn’t help it, I was overwhelmed with my sadness. And for a while I just didn’t get out of bed and let television be Summer’s mom. There’s no other way to say it – it was just a shitty time. Thankfully I had many incredible friends that were there for me – sending food and warm text messages and just listening to my grief. My girlfriends took me for sushi and Amit picked up every ounce of my responsibilities while I just felt sad.

Three weeks later I went back to the doctor for a blood draw, they wanted to be sure my hormone levels had gone all the way back to zero to be sure the miscarriage was “complete” but in fact my hormone levels had gone up. To our surprise I was pregnant again already! We were both excited, but terrified to celebrate this time, not sure of what was next. And for a while things were pretty rough. I began immediately bleeding again and having cramping and pains on only one side, I was absolutely terrified. I called my OB and they had me come in right away, they were concerned this pregnancy was ectopic. If the pregnancy were in fact ectopic (in a tube rather than my uterus) I would not be able to carry the pregnancy to term. Since I was so early in the pregnancy an ultrasound showed very little and they couldn’t determine where the baby had implanted and told me to come back in a week and just watch out for extreme pain. That was an emotionally excruciating week as we waited to find out where the baby was. Thankfully after what felt like the longest week of my life, the OB was able to find the faintest little heartbeat in the right place. I felt such a sense of relief. Things were still early, we still wanted to be cautious about our excitement levels, but this felt like things were moving in the right direction.

From there on, the next few weeks were filled with the most sickness and nausea of my life. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed I was sick. I never had an ounce of sickness with Summer so this was a brand new experience for me. I chose to take the nausea as a good sign, although to be honest, despite my gratitude for the pregnancy everyday was still a struggle. Amit had to work from home more, Summer continued to watch a LOT of TV (thanks PBS & Disney!), and I mostly laid on the couch feeling like death 24 hours a day. The house never got cleaned and almost all our meals were takeout. I was grateful to be pregnant, but terrified this one would end like the last one. …but then one day a few weeks ago I started to feel better! My doctor told me things looked great, the baby looked strong and I needed to stop worrying because she felt really good about this pregnancy. I hit the 12 week mark, then the second trimester at 14 weeks, then I felt good enough to workout again…and see friends! And slowly slowly I have felt like myself again; healthy, energetic, and most of all…optimistic.

I wanted to wait a little closer to 20 weeks to announce, but I am already showing and people were asking and quite honestly…I am just ready to get into my groove again. I have spent almost all of 2017 in fear, and I am just ready to enjoy life and family and friends again!

To the mamas that have been through these struggles, I send my sincerest love. Although miscarriage is common, it is painful and often suffered silently. And thank you to all those that reached out during my absence and also in these last few days to share our joy. It s all so appreciated! I look forward to sharing more throughout 2017 as I get back into my groove!

Much love xoxo <3

 

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